But never fear, I'm here to help. Check out these tips I've put together from my last trip:
- Always allow yourself plenty of time for checking your bags, getting through security, and people watching at your gate. Tip: If you're pressed for time and in danger of missing your flight, you're more likely to be selected to be zapped with DNA-changing x-rays or felt up by a TSA employee with hemorrhoids and a bad attitude. I don't have the hard data to back this up, but Murphy's Law is real and TSA knows it.
- Always carry plenty of hand sanitizer. Some people believe that the self-flushing toilets in airport restrooms are magical, so they don't need to wash their hands after. Tip: Staring at these people as they blithely stroll past the soap and water does no good--they just ignore you. This is where mace would be handy.
- Flights are more likely to be full these days, practically insuring that there will be no overhead bin space by the time you get on the plane. Tip: Telling the gate agent she is a f*cking bitch because she won't let you carry on a bag that is only slightly smaller than most of the bags in the cargo hold doesn't help you. Neither does screaming that you and your companion are a lesbian couple. No one cares. We, your fellow passengers, only care that you tried to hog OUR share of the overhead bin space.
- If someone is going to bring their own meal on board, it will always be something with extra garlic and/or onions, and they'll always be sitting next to you. Tip: If you stare longingly at their food they'll eat it faster. You can always offer them a mint when they've finished their General Tso Chicken with Forty Garlic Cloves.
- Before you board, check out the gate area to see who's knitting. Tip: If one of your dpns accidentally becomes lodged in the thigh of the personal space-stealing person seated next to you, it's good to know where the nearest knitter is seated. He/she probably has a spare.
And speaking of crammed:
Next post will be about Madrona. Have a great week!