Friday, February 25, 2011

Travel tips, or why mace should be allowed in your carry on

Remember when traveling to your destination was almost as much fun as when you actually got there? Yeah, me neither. But seriously, I do remember a time when airports were interesting and flying somewhere was exciting. It's still exciting now, but mostly in a 'I wonder how many people on this plane have the swine flu' kind of way. Makes those three day car rides from hell look a lot more appealing.

But never fear, I'm here to help. Check out these tips I've put together from my last trip:

  • Always allow yourself plenty of time for checking your bags, getting through security, and people watching at your gate. Tip: If you're pressed for time and in danger of missing your flight, you're more likely to be selected to be zapped with DNA-changing x-rays or felt up by a TSA employee with hemorrhoids and a bad attitude. I don't have the hard data to back this up, but Murphy's Law is real and TSA knows it.
  • Always carry plenty of hand sanitizer. Some people believe that the self-flushing toilets in airport restrooms are magical, so they don't need to wash their hands after. Tip: Staring at these people as they blithely stroll past the soap and water does no good--they just ignore you. This is where mace would be handy.
  • Flights are more likely to be full these days, practically insuring that there will be no overhead bin space by the time you get on the plane. Tip: Telling the gate agent she is a f*cking bitch because she won't let you carry on a bag that is only slightly smaller than most of the bags in the cargo hold doesn't help you. Neither does screaming that you and your companion are a lesbian couple. No one cares. We, your fellow passengers, only care that you tried to hog OUR share of the overhead bin space.
  • If someone is going to bring their own meal on board, it will always be something with extra garlic and/or onions, and they'll always be sitting next to you. Tip: If you stare longingly at their food they'll eat it faster. You can always offer them a mint when they've finished their General Tso Chicken with Forty Garlic Cloves.
  • Before you board, check out the gate area to see who's knitting. Tip: If one of your dpns accidentally becomes lodged in the thigh of the personal space-stealing person seated next to you, it's good to know where the nearest knitter is seated. He/she probably has a spare. 

And speaking of crammed:

Next post will be about Madrona. Have a great week!


  1. Posts like this make the lack of travel in my life almost palatable.

  2. can hardly WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS EVENT!!!!!

  3. Oh, I am not looking forward to my next flight to Europe. I hate the germs, the people around me, the toilette on board, ....
    I think, I could wright a book about it.
    Yes, staring won't work. People hate me for pointing out how rude they are. I really don't care.
    I am so sorry it happened to you!

  4. Our "jerk-of-the-flight" was a guy that looked like he just stepped out of Saturday Night Fever and smelled like he tested out every bottle of cologne at the Macy's on his way to the airport. YIKES!

    Thank goodness I didn't get seated next to that disaster.

  5. I used to travel a lot, and I did kind of enjoy it. Definitely was pre 911. I liked hanging out at the airports, watching people, security wasn't nuts. Flying part- yuck - never liked it - and I think at this point I am with you. I'd consider canoeing across the Atlantic as an alternative to flying. :)

  6. Very funny! Did you get enough pretty yarn to make the travel hassles worthwhile?

  7. Yup - I don't travel by plane much either and this might be part of the why

  8. Oh sweet mother flying is painful. So is trying to book a flight on points. Glad you had fun, won a door prize and bought something I can borrow to stab my FIL with. Oh, was that my inside voice?


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